It's a new year.
The sun is riding low in the sky and the air is stiff with cold.
Yesterday, dad, Chris, Steven and I went to make the final arrangements for the disposal of mom's remains.
We were able to secure a nice hall in Barrie's south end for the celebration of her life or, as Claire calls it, a "party" for her. It's taking place this Sunday and will be filled with stories, memories, love, laughter and, yes, plenty of tears.
I tried to go for a run yesterday but my knee didn't feel like co-operating. I only managed 6K before I had to rein it back in. I was, however, able to write the text for your memorial card in my head while I was out there. In fact, focusing on that helped me run a little further than I would have been able to otherwise.
It's not easy summing up someone's character in a few words. There was so much I wanted to say that at first I was overwhelmed. Then it slowly dawned on me I didn't need to say it all, just a few pieces stitched together.
I can write the rest of it in the time I have left.
I can write it here.
I can write it in words spoken to Claire.
I can write it by living a life mom would be proud of.
What I wrote for the card is this....
A beautiful and extraordinary wife, mother, grandmother, daughter and sister, Carol showed us life is not something to just be endured, but something to be lived.
She showed us life's trials are no match for love and laughter.
And she showed us the tremendous strength that lives within the human heart.
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within." -- Elizabeth Kubler Ross
I found your blog because of your comment on the Huffington Post which had reported the touching act of kindness your father had done for the young couple who was dining nearby. I just read all your posts and have been sitting here crying. My mother died of leukemia almost four years ago. I wish we would have been able to do better for my mother. She never got to hospice and was alone much of the time in a hospital she also hated. It is the most horrible thing in the world, losing your mother to cancer, but you guys did well. I hope you can find some peace in that. And perhaps you can find peace knowing how she lives on now because she has touched strangers all over the world (I am in New Jersey in America) through her beauty that inspired your dad to be so kind and loving. And now that young couple will be inspired to do the same. And I am inspired. And others who read it will be inspired. That's how our mothers live on. We may not be able to see them like we are used to, but they are in our hearts, make us do the things we do.
ReplyDeleteDebi
www.GreenerPastures--ACityGirlGoesCountry.blogspot.com
Hi Debi. Thanks so much for your kind and thoughtful words. I wasn't sure about chronicling mom's last days but I thought my writing may help others who find themselves in a similar situation. I'm sorry about the loss of your mother -- I'm sure she would be proud of the way you reached out to me in such a kind way.
DeleteJason, I'm so glad you *did* choose to put this out here; your mom sounds like an incredibly caring woman, I'm sure she would have been very happy that you're not only putting this out here for the rest of us, but also working through your own grief in such a healthy and compassionate manner.
DeleteAs you've stated that this blog is here at least in part for the benefit of others who are or will be grieving, I don't feel like the question I'm about to ask is entirely out of line; please forgive me if it is, the intention is not to dredge up painful memories or feed off your grief like some vulture.
I am finishing my degree in mortuary science at the moment, and will be working as a funeral director very soon. I wish I could question more people about this, but it's a delicate subject to broach. In the process of arranging for your mother's cremation and memorialization, I assume that you were working with a funeral home. Would you mind telling me if there was anything about that experience that you were particularly pleased with, and especially if there was anything that really rubbed you the wrong way, that you'd advise other funeral directors to *not* do? (Despite popular perception, the vast majority of us really *don't* go into the field for the money---for me, and for many many others, it truly is a vocation.)
Thank you again for publishing this blog. To paraphrase a certain OCD Connecticut felon, it's a really really good thing :)
Hi Jason, how proud your Mom must be of you and of Lee. I hope my sons think as highly of me as you do of your Mom, she must have been very special. I would have been married 43 years this year also. I lost my husband almost 6 years ago and we were high school sweethearts just like your Mom and Dad. We had 4 sons and 9 grandchildren when my Danny passed away. Two years later I lost our youngest son Michael. I wish I could tell Lee that it gets easier but it just doesn't. I still cry for them every day. But I just wanted to tell you this story made me smile and I wish you all the best. Mary Ann
ReplyDeleteDear Jason,
ReplyDeleteYour blog is beautiful - you are a terrific writer - and your pieces about your Mom are so sad but so beautiful. I'm very sorry about your Mom. She must have been very proud of you and must have been a wonderful person. I, too, am an older woman. Your father is pretty amazing too (I read the note about his buying dinner for the young couple). People really need a book or a blog that helps them learn how to express their feelings to relatives, etc. who are dying. You made it look so easy but for so many of us it is not easy. Could you write more of these types of pieces? I know that no matter what you write it will be wonderful. You are amazing. I can tell from your writing that you will continue to grow stronger emotionally - and your writing - you write like silk. Betty
I feel like your posts and loss have given me a second chance at telling my parents how much I love them. So very sorry for your loss. I read about your dad's lovely note and gesture. Take care of him, OK?
ReplyDeleteHi Jason,
ReplyDeleteI only wish I had been as brave as you when my Father was passing away. It all happened so quickly towards the end and we all found it incredibly hard to see him suffer and struggle to breathe. I wasn't with him when he died and it is my greatest regret. Well done on the way you are honouring your Mum and all the best with running from those black dogs.